what now? looking back and moving forwards

You may have noticed I've been mentioning revision quite a bit in my previous posts. Well, on Thursday I sat a 3 hour exam on cognitive psychology. (I know, right, fabulously fun! I had trouble controlling myself if I'm honest...)

I took a risk, rather a big one, and only revised six topics from an available fourteen. Possibly not a great idea, but with time restraints, sprogits and the ever present chance of mental overload to take into consideration... I took a pragmatic approach: to revise the chapters I had actually read, and hope for the best. Anyway it paid off. Part 2 of the exam, the part I was most worried about, delivered a great question on problem solving which was my strongest chapter, and asked for specific research studies, which, thanks to the wonderful discovery of mnemonics I could remember loads of, plus researchers names. Parts 1 and 3 were alright too, although I ran out of time at the end and had to hurriedly scribble a brief and rather too vague conclusion to my final essay. Overall, it was a reasonable examination experience. Apart from the hand cramp at the end. That bit sucked.

The reason this exam was such a big deal is because it was my final exam. I am now done. My degree is finished. That's assuming I pass of course... which I am. This, despite knowing that well learned school lesson that you should never assume things. There's a little saying that was recited to us, which I'm sure will be familiar to some of you...

ASSUME makes an ASS out of U and ME

Very witty. Anyway, as pointed out by a fellow course member while reading the Open University exam marking scale:

According to this, to fail, you'd have to write an answer along the lines of: "My dad's mate Bob's cousin has problems recognising faces but knows what a car looks like, so the two are probably separate processes. I like fish."

So on that basis I've probably passed. Probably. I don't think I mentioned fish.

As I was saying.... DONE! FINISHED! FINITO!

*commence dancing with pompoms and brass bands*

But.. and it's a big but... what do I do now? So far, my entire life has been guided by the progression from one educational goal to another. After leaving school with GCSEs, I went to college to study for A levels. Once I had finished them I registered with the OU. Now I have finished... so what now? What's the next step on my path?

I've been reflecting on where I am compared to where I've come from. I think this is an important thing to do, for everyone, on occasion. Indeed I said as much to another home edding mum - HelLS bELLs - a week or so ago. You can only appreciate where you are currently, and the progress you have made, if you look back at where you were. It is so easy to get bogged under in the here and now, the daily and weekly routines, the mundane bits and the exciting bits; and be blinded to all the growth that happens without you even noticing; to not realise just how much you (or your children, in the case of home edding!) have profoundly changed.

I made a list of things that have changed, for the better, since I began studying for this degree:

• Two additional children came into our lives. Small Clanger and Tiny Clanger have both been born since the beginning of January 2007.
• We've paid off all our debt. Every single penny.
• We've moved out of a cold, damp, rented house with next to no garden; and bought our warm, dry house with two huge gardens.
• The Man left a demeaning job with no prospects and an asshat for a boss; for one with real personal and professional development opportunities, in a company who genuinely appreciate what they've got in him.
• I've met, in person and online, a fabulously supportive and knowledgable network of women, who have nurtured me; taught me; humbled me; supported me; helped me to grow and a myriad other things that I can't even begin to list because they're too numerous.
• I've become a doula, as a result of the journey that I have travelled and am travelling with those women.
• I've learned to trust my instincts, listen to my gut, and do things that are right for me and my family regardless of what others think.
• I've become more confident in myself.
• I've gained a new best friend.

They're not in order. I don't think I could order them. Each of them has, in it's own way, lead me to be the person I am currently. Even though I don't feel like I have changed all that much, when I look back on where we were nearly 6 years ago.... the growth is clear. I guess it's like when you have a new baby - you find it difficult to see how much they have changed until you look back at photographs taken a week/month/year before.

When I think back to my first OU tutorial... arriving all wrapped up with a Subway sandwich under my arm and a week old baby in a pram... well I don't know what I think. I certainly made an impression on the tutor (who still remembered me last year when I was being tutored by his partner, rang to speak to her and got him instead), as well as the other students there (one of whom still brings it up even now!). A passing comment from one of those students I met back on that cold February evening, the one who has been elevated to "best friend" status over the past 5 years, really drove home what I need to do now. While being wished good luck, I mentioned nerves and she said that I was one of the most controlled people she knew. I know she meant it as a compliment, and sometimes it is... but sometimes it's also a curse... I find it difficult to relax, to go with the flow, to let go of tension.

So, I'm taking my own advice, and not planning too much at the moment. I had a serious burn out about this time last year, and then another one earlier on this year. I very nearly quit the OU. In my opinion, I need to deschool. I need time to find myself, become centred and balanced, regain my love of learning, remember what my focus is. Obviously we will be settling into our home ed lifestyle, and I'll be actively doulaing again - something I stopped doing to concentrate on my last two degree modules.

In the future I would like to some post grad study. I'd love to do research - I very much enjoyed the practical research projects over the past two years - either in the field of maternity or in home ed. There is a real lack of research on home ed in the UK. But the OU are currently "evaluating" their provision of Social Science Masters.... so I'm taking that as a(nother) sign to take a break for a bit! ;) plus I'm not sure that being an academic fits with where we are as a family at the moment.

In the meantime, I have a lovely big pile of books to read, which were given as birthday gifts, which I am looking forward to working my way through. I started reading The Highly Sensitive Child on the evening after my exam. Little Clanger is a HSC, and it's topical as it's written by a psychologist! ;) I also have The Birthkeepers; Siblings without Rivalry; What Mothers Do... Especially When It Looks Like Nothing; and How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and How to Listen so Kids Will Talk, so that should keep me going for a while. After that I hope to read books 1-4 of A Song of Ice and Fire again, before reading book 5. To read for pleasure again will be... well... a pleasure!

So, here's to relaxation. To being calm, not stressed. To not working towards deadlines. To reading because I want to, not because I have to. To just being a mum, not a student. To being the best mum I can be, instead of grumpy shouty mum, who always has something else she needs to do. To learning the lessons the sprogits are here to teach me. I have thoroughly enjoyed it, the really tough bits as well as the really great bits, but I am glad it is over, and a new part of my life can begin.

To (mis)quote Douglas Adams...

So long, Open University, and thanks for all the fish!