It's been a while since I posted. A lot has happened but this was what I wanted to post about last week and couldn't get it right. This is post is a touch difficult to write because it's taken a lot of introspection to get here, and also because it does not really reflect on me in a great light. I am bypassing the blog filter because I want this blog to be warts n all, a blog that accurately reflects parenting and home edding, rather than painting it in an unrealistic, always-rainbows-and-flowers-and-dancing-pixies, kind of way. Aside from anything else, if you are new to home edding, and feeling a bit out of your depth, there's nothing like reading loads of fabulously amazing blogs to deepen your feeling of "what on earth have I just gotten myself into?!" This is the legacy of the blog filter - only posting the positives and conveniently sidestepping all the crap days where you lock yourself in the bathroom to get some space, or shout so hard you get a headache, or cry yourself to sleep because you're convinced of what a terrible job you're doing.
So, to the point. Two weekends ago I found a blog. Here it is, if you're interested. I can't remember who pointed me to it but I was instantly hooked. I've read a lot of her posts, and am continually going back for more. Because here's the thing. I shout at my kids. A lot. It seems to have developed into one of those bad habits that you do without really realising, and now, having joined forces with a group of mums to challenge ourselves to shout less, I am discovering just how much I shout. And it's much more than I thought.
The past 10 days I have been examining the behaviour of the whole family, myself and Podd and the sprogs too. Each day I have started out saying "I won't shout today" and each day I have ended up shouting and only afterwards realising that I've done it. And the reasons for doing so seem to be pretty weak, for the most part. I wrote a bunch of stuff about the fundamental attribution error
and the self-serving bias and how they relate to parenting, but deleted
it all because the post was going a bit off track. For anyone who hasn't a
clue what they are... here's a handy link explaining attribution theory.
Suffice it to say... I do it a lot. In fact, everybody does... that's
why they're recognised psychological phenomena. When the kids and I have
a bad day I'm full of self-serving bias excuses. I shift the blame
away from my personal flaws and mistakes, and onto other external factors... the situation needed a loud voice, the weather is crap, the
house is a mess, the kids weren't listening to a quieter voice, we were late, <insert excuse here>.
In reality there are rarely situations that really need a shout. Emergencies need them... but in an emergency you are shouting to your child, not at them. Shouting at a child is not alright. It's intimidating, humiliating, and unnecessary. And to be honest, it doesn't often makes you feel better. Usually it puts you in a bad mood for the rest of the day, or leaves you feeling deflated. Since we got new neighbours I thought that as long as we didn't sound
like them through the wall (screaming at the tops of voices, swearing,
berating the kids etc), then we were probably doing alright. But that's not the case. Comparing yourself to others is rarely helpful, and is often used as an excuse not to change your behaviour that is perhaps not as good as you wish it were. "It's ok, because at least I'm not as bad as <insert someone who you consider to behave in a worse way than you>." Yeah, right. One of the lessons that I am learning through home educating the sprogs is that the only useful comparison is to your past self. As long as you are growing and developing then that is all that matters. So, no more comparisons with next door. Only comparisons with how I used to be as a parent. And, if I'm honest, it seems that, without my even realising, I have developed a bunch of habits that I really dislike. Like shouting unnecessarily.
So. The change. I have challenged myself to go one week without letting my voice go above a level 4. (For a breakdown of the voice levels see here. Basically 0-3 are the normal parenting voice levels - everyday voice, whisper, redirect voice and firm voice. Level 4 is a quick snap, which is usually aimed at getting the kids attention quickly. Level 5 is more venomous and clearly shows irritation - it is aimed at hurting the person who it is aimed at. Levels 6 and 7 are the loudest meanest ones, they hurt both the person they're aimed at and yourself, and usually result in tears, headaches, guilt, shame, etc.) I know OR challenged herself to go a year, but I am starting small. Yesterday was a shout-free day, the first since I started (although at first I was simply being mindful of triggers and reflecting on my behaviour). Today is turning out well so far too. Instead of doing itty bitty updates here and there I will report next week as to how it has gone for the rest of this week.
Wish me luck. I am looking forward to being a better parent.
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