my dear friend

I've been trying to write this post for months, but could never find the right way to start it off. After talking to a friend I had some inspiration about how to write it. This is a letter.

My dear friend,

I hear your worry. I see the concern in your eyes. Your wonderful daughter is naturally enthusiastic, happy go lucky, cheerful... everything a child should be. But she is being eroded by the system - the system that claims to have her best interests at heart and yet every passing day proves otherwise as they persistently ignore her needs. You said to me that you can't go on, but that you don't know if you could home educate. You doubt yourself and your abilities, whether you can handle the intensity of being together all the time, whether you can balance work and home stuff, if you're the right person to bear the responsibility of being sole educator to your daughter. I don't have all the answers, those must come from you. But I can give you my thoughts and experiences, in the hope that they can help you find the clarity you are looking for.

I have had a number of conversations - both online and in real life - over the past few months, which have been about a variety of topics but they all seem to have a common theme underpinning them... that of confidence. I think that is at the core of your concerns. It is at the core of most parents' concerns about home ed: "How can I feel confident that this is the right thing to do?" Confidence is a big deal. It is important in life anyway, but it's especially important when you are stepping outside the box, going against the norm, breaking the mould. And home ed definitely counts as going against the norm. If there is a chance you will be judged you need confidence, and home edders are judged from all sides. Home ed challenges people's expectations. Without confidence (and sometimes even with it!) you can succumb to the wobbles, questioning if you're doing the right thing for your child. And confidence doesn't necessarily come naturally - it takes time to grow. It can take only the slightest knock, the tiniest seed of doubt sown, and it comes crumbling down and needs much care and time to recover. Very rarely do we know far in advance what the right path is to take. Sometimes the best we can manage is figuring out that the path we are on is not the right one. Knowing there are other paths is one thing. Actually travelling them is quite another. All I can say is that nothing is, or needs to be, permanent. You can try something for a while, and then look back on it and assess how it has gone, and then make a decision about whether you want to continue.

One thing I have noticed is that are a lot of preconceived ideas about home edding and home edders. There was a chat about it a few months back on facebook and there does seem to be an impression that home edders all have designated spaces for learning, with supplies all neatly tucked away in store; that we're all posh bods with loads of cash; that we all eat only organic foods or are all vegetarian or vegan; are highly organised and any number of other stereotypes that have no basis in reality. One lady even recounted that she had told a shop assistant that she home educated and the lady said "oh, we have a whole section over there for people like you" and pointed to the organic veg section! Now if that's not a preconceived idea, I don't know what is!

In fact we are all fairly average parents. We are mostly scraping by on not quite enough money: making sacrifices on some things so that we can afford other things that are really important to us; using special offers, money off coupons and cashback to get the best value for money; borrowing books from the library instead of buying; etc etc. We get frustrated with our offspring, shout at them and feel bad about it afterwards. We have great days and neutral days and days where we are tearing our hair out and counting the minutes until bedtime. We complain about how we never get any time to ourselves to retain a modicum of sanity, wash our hair, buy presents for the kids without being rumbled... yet feel guilty if we utilise the TV or a computer game as a means to get those precious minutes. We skip meals because we're too busy playing with lego and then sneakily eat chocolate in the kitchen so the kids don't see us. We have houses that are messy and chaotic, that look like a toy shop and a laundrette and a craft shop simultaneous exploded in every room. We spend so long looking for the scissors and glue for an activity that by the time we've found them the kids have gotten bored and gone to play upstairs. We spend whole days in pyjamas, only getting dressed if we have to go out somewhere. We are normal. We don't have superpowers and there are no special secrets as to how we do it. We are no different than you, and honestly, you would fit right in!

Let me ask you this: are you a good parent? It's a difficult question to answer immediately, so here's some additional questions. Do you strive to ensure your child is healthy and happy, with a fulfilled life? Do you do your best to ensure her needs are met, while also balancing your own needs in the mix? Do you try things, discover they don't work, and then feel bad for even bothering? Do you often make mistakes, apologise for them afterwards, and try to learn from them? Do you spend a lot of time thinking you're not doing a good enough job and wondering how you can be better? I know you pretty well and I think the answer is yes, to all of them, in which case you are indeed a good parent. In fact, you're a great parent. Which also means you'd be a great home edder, because that's pretty much all home edding is... parenting.

Believe it or not, you were (as was I) actually a home edder right up until we met, in that nursery cloakroom with our bouncy girls who couldn't wait to get in there, have some fun and learn some stuff. I don't know about you, but I miss those girls. I see them sometimes, when they are playing together, but not as often as I would like. We deregistered from school because I wanted that girl back, and she is coming back to me, slowly. So I know I've made the right decision for us. Please don't misinterpret what I am saying - I still get the wobbles too. Someone gives me a doubtful look, or rolls their eyes, or says "why?" or "oh, right then..." in that manner that implies that I'm crackers and they wouldn't do it in a month of Sundays. It's the same look I used to get when I said I planned to homebirth and wild horses couldn't drag me into a hospital. And I catch myself thinking "oh, they don't think I'm making the right choice". That's the point where I give myself a mental slap, and make sure my emotional defences are up high. Just as I thought "so what?" when someone else disagreed with my decision to homebirth, I think "so what?" when folk disagree with my decision to home ed. I remember how she used to be when she came home from school and then I remember that enthusiastic 3 year old I who was so happy and I know, deep down, that what I am doing is the right thing to do for her. I won't lie. It is hard. It is intense. It is more expensive than I would like. But the rewards, they are worth it. For me, they are worth it.

Most of all, I will be here. I will be here for you through the great bits and the ugly bits and all the bits in-between, whatever you decide. I believe in you. You rock. Now you believe it too. 

Much love xx